Thoughts

So I'm sitting here with a yummy dinner settling in my belly, kids counting passing rail cars pondering how to begin this blog. How to eventually get to what I want to write about and to write about it without naming names or being hurtful. It's a tough one to wrap my mind around. A dear friend has blogged about how it is important to just get the words out and to not worry so much about the rest so I'm going to try...
The relationship that is on my mind and in my heart has been one for awhile now, thirteen years to be more exact. This relationship has always had communication issues, problems with being able to hear or listen to each other. There is fault and blame all around, WE all share in it.
The problem now is that it's become easier, well maybe not easier but more of a habit to not have the relationship. To be silent and separate from each others lives. It's at a point now where there is so much hurt and anger that I don't see a way for it to change.
It's a sad thing to not be able to have a relationship with 'family'. It is hard to have it continue on in this fashion. I have made numerous attempts to help 'fix' it, also have done my fair share of 'shutting it down' and in the end it doesn't matter. It's not my relationship to fix. I'm not a major player in this.
I could have had a relationship but it just never seemed to work out. And it was troubled with problems from the beginning. There seemed to be mistrust between us. We've always seemed to speak different language's...I'm too sensitive and I believe they can be too cruel. Yet on the other hand I can see all their love and amazing strength in life and I hope that they can see the good in me as well.
It would be nice,yes I realize I'm dreaming here, but it would be nice if the people could look into their spiritual hearts (not the human ego ones) and just let go of the past, the pain, the hurt and disappointments. Accept each other as they are and love them because of it...Not in spite of it.